Ever found yourself standing at a crowded bar, squinting at the cocktail menu, and wondering what to order? Well, prepare to have your mind blown. It turns out, there’s a secret list of drinks that bartenders dread making, especially when the bar is packed. These aren’t your run-of-the-mill cocktails, oh no. These are the troublemakers, the time-wasters, and in some cases, the downright dangerous concoctions that make bartenders want to hide behind the beer taps. So, before you unknowingly become the bane of your bartender’s existence, let’s dive into the world of drinks you should never order at a bar. Trust me, your bartender (and your taste buds) will thank you.
1. The Notorious Long Island Iced Tea
Ah, the Long Island Iced Tea, the drink that masquerades as a refreshing iced beverage but packs a punch that could knock out a heavyweight boxer. This infamous cocktail is a bartender’s nightmare during a busy shift. Why, you ask? Well, imagine trying to juggle five different bottles of liquor while a sea of thirsty patrons waves money at you. It’s like playing alcohol Jenga with your sanity on the line.
But it’s not just about the bartender’s convenience. This drink is a one-way ticket to Hangover City, with a layover in Bad Decision Town. The Long Island Iced Tea contains a potent mix of vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and triple sec, often totaling up to 22% alcohol by volume. That’s more alcohol than some wines! And let’s be honest, it doesn’t even taste that great. It’s like someone raided the liquor cabinet, mixed everything together, and called it a day.
So, next time you’re tempted to order this boozy behemoth, consider the bartender’s sanity and your own liver. Maybe opt for a nice, simple gin and tonic instead? Your future self will thank you when you’re not hugging the porcelain throne the next morning.
2. The Maddening Mojito
Picture this: it’s a Friday night, the bar is buzzing with energy, and you decide to order a mojito. Sounds refreshing, right? Well, to a bartender, it sounds like a time-consuming nightmare. Mojitos are the divas of the cocktail world, demanding attention and special treatment that can seriously slow down service during peak hours.
The problem with mojitos isn’t just the time it takes to muddle those pesky mint leaves (although that’s certainly part of it). It’s also about the ingredients. Fresh mint has a shorter shelf life than Keith Richards’ sobriety, and it can harbor bacteria if it’s past its prime. So, unless you’re at a bar that specializes in mojitos or other fresh herb cocktails, you might be better off steering clear.
But let’s say you’re still dead set on that minty freshness. Why not try a mint julep instead? It’s similarly refreshing but requires less prep time. Or, if you’re feeling adventurous, ask the bartender for a twist on the classic mojito that might be easier to prepare. Who knows? You might discover your new favorite drink and make a friend behind the bar in the process.
3. The Rambunctious Ramos Gin Fizz
If you thought the mojito was high-maintenance, wait until you meet its prissy cousin, the Ramos Gin Fizz. This cocktail is the marathon runner of the drink world, requiring an arm-numbing 12 minutes of shaking to achieve its signature frothy texture. That’s right, 12 whole minutes of non-stop shaking. In bar time, that’s roughly equivalent to the lifespan of a mayfly.
The Ramos Gin Fizz isn’t just a time-suck; it’s also a finicky little beast. It requires a precise balance of gin, citrus juice, cream, egg white, and orange flower water. Get the proportions wrong, and you end up with something that looks less like a cocktail and more like a sad, deflated soufflé. And let’s not forget the potential health hazard of raw egg whites sitting around in a busy bar.
If you’re craving something light and frothy, why not opt for a simpler egg white cocktail like a Whiskey Sour or a Gin Fizz? You’ll get that lovely silky texture without causing your bartender to develop carpal tunnel syndrome. Plus, you won’t have to wait until last call for your drink to arrive.
4. The Perilous Flaming Shots
Ah, flaming shots. The pyromaniacs of the cocktail world. They’re flashy, they’re exciting, and they’re about as welcome in a busy bar as a fire drill during happy hour. Sure, they look cool on Instagram, but they’re a disaster waiting to happen in real life. It’s all fun and games until someone singes their eyebrows off.
The problem with flaming shots isn’t just the obvious fire hazard. When you light alcohol on fire, it heats up the glass. And guess what happens when you put a hot glass to your lips? That’s right, you end up with a burnt mouth and a newfound appreciation for cold beverages. Plus, lighting drinks on fire actually burns off some of the alcohol, so you’re essentially paying more for less buzz.
If you’re looking for a bit of excitement in your drink, why not try something with a spicy kick instead? A good Bloody Mary or a spicy margarita can give you that thrill without the risk of setting the bar ablaze. Remember, the only thing that should be on fire in a bar is the conversation, not the cocktails.
5. The Troublesome “Surprise Me” Order
We’ve all been there. You’re feeling adventurous, so you sidle up to the bar and utter those fateful words: “Surprise me.” To you, it might seem like a fun way to try something new. To the bartender, it’s about as welcome as a pop quiz in mixology. Here’s the thing: bartenders aren’t mind readers. They don’t know your likes, dislikes, or that one time you had a bad experience with tequila in college.
When you ask for a surprise, you’re essentially asking the bartender to play a guessing game with your taste buds. And in a busy bar, that’s time they don’t have. Plus, if they make something you don’t like, guess who has to deal with the complaints and potentially make a whole new drink? That’s right, our already overworked bartender friend.
Instead of asking for a surprise, try giving the bartender some guidelines. Tell them what spirits you enjoy, whether you prefer sweet or sour, or if you’re in the mood for something refreshing or strong. This way, you still get the excitement of trying something new, but you’re much more likely to end up with a drink you’ll actually enjoy. It’s a win-win situation: you get a tailored cocktail experience, and the bartender gets to flex their creative muscles without the added pressure.
6. The Bothersome Bloody Mary (After Brunch Hours)
The Bloody Mary, that spicy, savory cocktail that’s practically a meal in a glass, is a brunch staple. But ordering one at 10 PM on a Saturday? That’s a surefire way to make your bartender see red. And not just because of the tomato juice. Bloody Marys are like the high-maintenance divas of the cocktail world – they require a whole entourage of ingredients to make them shine.
Think about it: vodka, tomato juice, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, horseradish, celery salt, black pepper… and that’s before we even get to the garnishes! During brunch hours, bars are prepared for this production. They have their mise en place ready to go, with all ingredients at hand. But later in the day? Those ingredients might be stored away, or worse, not even available.
If you’re craving something savory outside of brunch hours, why not try a dirty martini? It’s got that salty kick you’re after, but with much less prep time. Or, if you’re really after that spicy tomato goodness, see if the bar offers a simple beer and tomato juice combo. It might not be as fancy, but it’ll satisfy your craving without giving your bartender a headache.
7. The Nightmarish “Death in the Afternoon”
Named after Ernest Hemingway’s 1932 book about bullfighting, “Death in the Afternoon” is a cocktail that’s as dramatic as its name suggests. It’s a simple mix of absinthe and champagne, but don’t let its simplicity fool you. This drink is the liquid equivalent of playing Russian roulette with your liver.
First off, absinthe is notoriously strong, often clocking in at 45-74% ABV. Combine that with champagne, and you’ve got a drink that’ll knock you sideways faster than you can say “For whom the bell tolls.” But it’s not just the potency that makes this a problematic order. Many bars don’t stock absinthe due to its niche appeal, and opening a bottle of champagne for a single cocktail is wasteful unless the bar has a robust champagne program.
If you’re looking for a Hemingway-inspired drink that won’t make your bartender want to write their own tragedy, try a Daiquiri instead. It was another of Papa’s favorites, and it’s much easier on both the bartender and your system. Plus, you’re less likely to end up seeing green fairies or challenging strangers to duels. Remember, the goal is to enjoy your night out, not to star in your own bullfighting drama.
So there you have it, folks. The next time you’re at a bar, armed with this insider knowledge, you’ll be ordering like a pro. Remember, the key to a great night out is not just about what you drink, but how you order it. Be kind to your bartenders – they’re the unsung heroes of your night out, after all. And who knows? With the right order and a friendly smile, you might just become their favorite customer. Just don’t tell them I sent you – I’ve got a reputation to maintain in the cocktail underground. Cheers!
